It's 3 am....again

I find myself awake at 3:00am pretty often. It's been like that on and off since my 2nd pregnancy. Probably once every week or so, I'm not sleeping when I should be. Either I had too much caffeine, or woke up from one of the kids' crying (woke up, not GOT UP, Eric does that) and can't get back to sleep. I get my red blanky, with the fuzzy side towards me, and sit on my red couch and power up the computer.

It's one of the only times I keep up on the blogs I read, and find friends on Facebook. You know, important stuff.

I think I'm actually pretty witty and delightful at 3am. I write e-mails full of warm and fond memories to old highschool friends and camp buds. Most of my blog posts have been written in the 3am hour. Perhaps it's just the lack of sleep talking.

So, why am I such a mess between 4 and 6pm? (For those of you who don't know...this is a rhetorical question. Please don't tell me that if I hadn't been awake at 3am, I might be more sane in the afternoon. I don't want to hear your logic.)

I dread the afternoon because I'm not a likable person then. I don't even respect me as a mommy between 4 and 6pm.

Where's Supermom then?

Where are the spontaneous games I'm supposed to play to keep the kids off the TV?

How about all those songs with funny motions that I know and teach to other people's kids?

Where is that huge pile of new toys the kids got for Christmas?

Nowhere. Nowhere. Nowhere. It's just Meanmommy, exasperated for the millionth time wondering "What the HECK am I supposed to make for dinner?" I look in the cabinet. I see boxes of food, but I can't visualize dinner. I can't decide.

It's 3am but I'm still stuck at 5:00pm. Am I insane? I keep doing the same thing, expecting different results.

But change is hard. Change requires that, in a moment of intense weakness, I make a willful, strong, decisive, positive action.
Change requires me to go back to bed and try to fall asleep even though this is the most peace and quiet I've had in 2 weeks.

Change requires me to forgo the sweet tea (with caffeine) in the afternoon, or skip the chocolate ice cream (again with the caffeine) before bed.

Change requires me to think ahead, plan a week of meals and then (this is the hardest part) to execute the plan I made.

Stephen Covey describes it as "exercising integrity in the moment of decision" Wow do I fall short. Do I have Integrity? Can I make a Decision? Do I have to talk about Exercise? Ugh. Stephen, how do you make it look so easy?

Change requires that I admit I'm wrong. It requires me to step beyond the tantrum of "Idon'twanna" and be a grownup. It requires me to go back to bed.